So I wanted to start off by saying that I never thought I'd get to where I am right now. I'm not finished becoming who I want to be, but I'm finally happy because I feel like I'm on the right path and finally making the right change in my life.
Growing up, I studied pre-professionally to be a ballet dancer. I danced 6-7 days a week, 3-8 hours a day. It was my dream for a very long time to be a professional ballet dancer and I traveled around the country getting the best ballet education possible. I spent summers in Miami, Massachusetts, and San Francisco. I participated in countless performances and the Nutcracker annually. I was Marie for two years with the Pennsylvania Ballet. I got lead roles in Serenade, Concerto Barocco, Sleeping Beauty, and other famous ballets in pre-professional companies.
Two things changed my mind over time about becoming a professional ballet dancer:
1. Even though ballet brought so many opportunities to me throughout my life and helped shape who I am today, it was also very toxic for my self-confidence and self-perception. In ballet, you are surrounded by skinny people, people with eating disorders, and people who are always better than you. Mirrors line every classroom to force you to look at your imperfections, and in case you don't notice them, somebody will tell you. When I was seriously dancing, I was between 110 and 115 pounds. That's the skinniest I've ever been, but at that point in my life, I couldn't look in the mirror without seeing the reflection of a fat person. My stomach was too big. My thighs were way too big. My butt was bigger than the other girls' in the class. All of my self-doubt was constantly reaffirmed by my instructors and coaches. I was told by many teachers, "If you just lost five pounds, you could be a professional," or "Your thighs are just too bulky; you'll need to thin out if you really want to go pro."
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| Rehearsing for Sugar Plum |
But at 110-115 pounds, I was just about as thin as I could get. I was on a diet of only 1200 calories AND working out every single day for hours! I didn't know how to lose more weight besides starving myself. Some of the girls I danced with were fooling around with their diets and eating habits and they were all thinner than me...so why not try it?
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| Me and my "fat" thighs |
I started skipping meals, eating smaller than small portions, and only bringing an iced coffee to long rehearsal days. I remember being in rehearsal and shaking/feeling faint from being starving. I remember applauding myself for my willpower and resistance to eating "too much" food. I couldn't keep up with this kind of routine though, so I would start to binge and sneak food and eat all sorts of things I shouldn't have been eating. This just made me hate myself even more. Really? I only needed to lose five pounds. Why couldn't I just suck it up and starve myself like the others? I hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror: fat, unmotivated, disgusting.
The second reason I decided to let go of ballet as a serious profession was because of an ankle issue. I had a lot of ankle pain going into high school and I ended up getting surgery on it. After the surgery, it was never really the same. It was weaker (years after surgery), and to this day bothers me if I stand on it wrong or pointe my foot/stand on pointe. I didn't want to risk really re-injuring it again.
This left me in college with no real idea of how to exercise (there is exercise outside of ballet? What?). I got lazy, I gained weight (up to 125), I got out of shape. I started going to the gym and tried everything from running, to the elliptical, to some light weightlifting and machines. None of that really seemed to connect with me because I didn't really know what I was doing and I wasn't getting or feeling any obvious results. Eventually I got back into ballet (just for fun this time which was a lot nicer because the teacher was so supportive and kind and would never ask me or anyone else to lose weight!), but my ankle was still weak and shaky and bothering me on pointe so I took a break. I went to the doctor and he told me to take at least 2 months off to let the swelling/aggravation in my ankle go away. After the two months, I felt super lazy and out of shape again, but I didn't want to go back to the gym : /
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| Gained a little weight in college |
My coworker started talking about Insanity, so I said, "Sure..why not? I'll give it a try." And I am SO glad that I committed to it and to myself because I am so much happier today! I'm on my 7th week of Insanity right now and I'm much closer to the body that I've always wanted WITHOUT having to play games with eating or feel badly about myself. So I wanted to start this blog to share more about myself and my journey with fitness and help keep others motivated too! Keep tuned for more!
Contact me at
www.beachbodycoach.com/aliciajones
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